


On the Assistance of Carnivorous Trees

by Eggling



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who (1963)
Genre: M/M, silly fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-23
Updated: 2017-04-23
Packaged: 2018-10-22 23:56:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,409
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10707816
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Eggling/pseuds/Eggling
Summary: In which Jamie is an unexpected victim of an alien tree, and getting him back has unusual benefits.





	On the Assistance of Carnivorous Trees

**Author's Note:**

> for [penny-anna](penny-anna.tumblr.com).

“Och, hurry up, will ye? I’m starting to get a headache.”

“I’m trying, Jamie! This is very difficult, you know. And if you hadn’t just had to go and touch the thing, then we wouldn’t be _in_ this situation.”

The first thing that Zoe noticed about the truly very strange situation unfolding before her was Jamie, hanging upside-down from some kind of rope – no, a smooth green tendril attached to the tree before her. It was ever so slowly coiling its way down his legs, wrapping him up tighter and pulling him higher into the branches. Despite this perilous situation, his expression was simply one of annoyance. Someone- probably the Doctor – had had the presence of mind to pin the front and back of his kilt together, but it had still slipped down to drape around his upper thighs, and he kept reaching up to push it back into position. The Doctor himself bustled back around from behind the tree.

“Goodness, this thing is insatiable,” he muttered darkly. “I was saving that sandwich. Now, Jamie, I need something purple.”

Jamie glanced around the forest – a great wall of green extending as far as the eye could see, and finally looked over at Zoe, who in turn looked down at her purple jumpsuit in alarm.

“No, Jamie,” the Doctor put in hurriedly. “We can’t just feed Zoe to the carnivorous tree. I must have something in here...” He rummaged in his pockets and pulled out an apple. “Oh, no. No, that won’t do – here!” He brandished a single, slightly battered-looking but obviously purple jelly baby, then turned to toss it into a great, gaping hole in the tree, its edges rimmed with sharp twigs that bore an unsettling similarity to teeth. The tree seemed to shiver, rumble, and then let out a roar that hurt Zoe’s ears. “Oh, dear. It’s after something of sentimental value.”

“Well, you must be carrying something,” Zoe said. “You’re always pulling things out of your pockets.”

The Doctor cast a despairing look towards Jamie and pulled out a long ribbon.

“What’s that?” Jamie asked, squinting at it. “Surely that cannae have sentimental value.”

“Oh, but it does, Jamie,” the Doctor explained, twisting the ribbon between his hands in embarrassment. “You remember when we landed on Earth, in the twenty-third century, and you got me that little stone that lights up and spins around when someone plays music?”

“Aye, I thought someone ought to appreciate yon tin whistle.” Jamie nodded towards the Doctor’s pocket, where his recorder was sticking out, ignoring the Doctor’s protests that it was a _recorder_ , thank you very much, not a tin whistle. “But I couldnae find anything to wrap it with, except for -” His eyes widened in comprehension. “You kept it?”

“Yes – well -” The Doctor was practically hopping from one foot to another in mortification now. “It’s a good thing I did!”

“Och, come here,” Jamie said. He reached out one hand to the Doctor, who took it, allowing himself to be reeled in and kissed on the cheek. “I’m no’ laughing at you.”

“Oh,” was all the Doctor said for a moment. “Well – I’m rather loath to part with it, but I’d rather lose it than you.” Jamie chuckled and somehow managed to manoeuvre himself to kiss the Doctor on the lips. It hardly looked comfortable – noses bumping against chins and Jamie swaying around precariously – but the Doctor’s expression when he drew back was one of serene happiness, and he drifted forwards to kiss Jamie again.

“Can we not do this now?” Zoe interrupted. “Jamie is about to be eaten by this tree, you know.”

“Oh. Yes, you’re, ah, quite right, Zoe.” The Doctor pulled back, patting Jamie’s cheek affectionately. He cast one final look at the ribbon and dropped it down the hole, wringing his hands as it went. This time, the tree let out a high-pitched shriek, causing the Doctor to stagger back, fingers pressed to his temples as if he were suffering from a sudden, intense headache.

“No, you can’t have him!” he exclaimed over the whining of the tree. “I’ve given you what you want, now let him go!” The sound changed slightly in pitch, as if the tree was responding. “Why not? Well, it’s very bad manners to go around eating people’s friends, you know!”

Zoe wondered what exactly he hoped to achieve with this line of argument. Surely a tree which had already strung up Jamie from one of its tendrils and was inching him closer and closer to its mouth with every passing moment had no concept of politeness, or who it was and was not supposed to eat. The tree considered this for a moment, then dragged Jamie even closer, almost chuckling to itself.

“What do you mean, that’s not a good enough reason?” The tree rumbled at the Doctor for a moment, and Zoe and Jamie exchanged worried looks at the sudden change of expression on his face. “Oh. Oh, well – yes! Yes, I do love him, is that good enough for you?” Once again, the tree paused, before tugging Jamie towards its jaws. “Documentation? What sort of documentation?”

 _Perfect_ , Zoe thought. _Not only is it a carnivorous tree, it’s a bureaucratic carnivorous tree._

“No, we’re not married! Surely that’s no cause for – oh, there’s just no reasoning with you, is there?”

“What’s wrong?” Jamie asked. He was close enough now to reach out and grip the Doctor by the shoulder, though whether for the Doctor’s comfort or his own Zoe could not tell.

“I… well, you see, Jamie, I don’t think it approves of us being, ah, involved out of wedlock,” the Doctor said anxiously, reaching up to take his hand. “It was originally going to eat you because you disturbed it – now it’s going to eat you because we’re not married.”

Slowly, almost comically, Jamie covered his eyes with his free hand. “Anything else I should know?” He thought over what the Doctor had said for a moment. “But that doesnae make sense! What would a tree care about us nae being married?”

“From what I’ve gathered, its people have very strong views on, ah, _respectability_ ,” the Doctor said. “And seeing as they rule the forest here, we are subject to their laws. Anything that’s not respectable to them is fair game.”

Zoe had a sudden, vivid vision of herself officiating an emergency marriage, with the tree itself acting as witness, and fought the urge to laugh. “Is there anything that could convince it?” she asked.

“Perhaps...” The Doctor clasped both of Jamie’s hands in his. “Jamie, will you marry me?”

Jamie cast a despairing glance towards the tree. “Aye, of course I will!” The tree’s motion stilled at this. It paused, then let Jamie drop to the ground. He and the Doctor fell together, Jamie landing sprawled out across the Doctor’s chest. For a moment, Zoe was concerned that one of them had been injured, but Jamie’s head popped up almost immediately, looking down at the Doctor in surprise before laying back against the Doctor’s chest and starting to laugh hysterically.

“Jamie...” The Doctor wrapped his arms around Jamie’s waist comfortingly. “Jamie, I think you might be in shock.”

“I had expected something a wee bit more romantic,” Jamie murmured into the Doctor’s chest. “I didnae think that if you proposed to me, it would be for the sake of a _tree_.”

“So you don’t want to get married?” The Doctor assumed a hurt expression. “In that case, I’ll get rid of the ring box I’d hidden amongst my bow ties, then.”

Jamie sat half-upright at that, eyes wide. “Ye were going to propose to me?”

“Oh – oh, I don’t know...” A faint blush was spreading across the Doctor’s cheeks. “It was just in case.” He was silent for a moment. “I’ll take you out to dinner tonight. Somewhere nice. And if you’re lucky, I’ll ask you again.”

“We’re never going tae land anywhere nice.” Jamie laid his head back against the Doctor’s chest and laced their fingers together securely. “’Course I’ll marry ye.”

“Did it really take a carnivorous tree for you two to sort it out?” Zoe asked. No reply came. “Now, how about we get out of here before it changes its mind?”

“Oh, my word!” The Doctor practically sprang upright – an impressive achievement given how thoroughly Jamie had been wrapped around him. “Come along, Jamie. I think it’s high time we left this place.


End file.
